How to Argue So Your Spouse Will Listen
by Sharon Morris May of Safe Haven
QUOTES FOR DISCUSSION
“… an effective way of making sense of the way you and your spouse argue. – pg. ix
“I sit day in and day out with couples who are stuck arguing. – pg. ix
Ephesians 3: 17 That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love. – pg xi
Too focused on our own pints of view, neither of us was able to understand the other’s perspective. … we are not each other’s enemy. I know we don’t agree on some things, but I really do love you and care for you. – pg. 3
We were arguing in a destructive way. … each feels justified in arguing the way they do. – pg. 4
Making not arguing your goal does not work either. – pg. 7
Let’s try to understand each other instead of blaming each other and defending ourselves. – pg. 8
Old automatic reactions are stubborn and hard to change because they have become such big parts of your daily way of communicating… - pg. 11
We are at our best when we live connected to God and to those we care about and who care about us. God intended it to be that way. – pg. 16
God created within us a relationship system. … an intricate mechanism that causes us to feel powerful emotions… - pg. 17
Our first relationship was with our parents, and it was in this first relationship that we learned about love,. Life, and the world around us. … While growing up, every interaction we had with our parents and other significant people was vitally important to us and impacted our brains and personal development. – pg. 18
Our brains are structured to be in relationship with other people in a way that shapes how the brain functions and develops. (Daniel Siegel) – pg. 19
The way your parents and loved ones interacted with you responded to you, nurtured you, and emotionally connected with you laid down the pattern for how you love and react in your marriage today. – pg. 19
Relationship System: trust, availability, love & commitment, responsiveness, repair of disconnections. – pg. 20
When we are near the person we love, we feel a sense of peace, security, and contentment. Pg. 21
But you also long to emotionally trust your spouse with eh deep places of your heart. Pg. 23
We become a safe haven for our spouse when we provide: trust, availability, love & commitment, responsiveness, repair of disconnections. – pg. 23
… when a father is attuned to his son, he is able to understand what his son is experiencing and needing and then guide his son in making sense of and expressing his emotions and needs. – pg. 24
In marriage, intimacy is fostered when we feel seen and understood by our spouse. –pg. 24
… a wife may need to carve out time in the evening to listen as her husband shares about his day. – pg. 25
… maintain a mutual understanding that they won’t make decisions (whether it is to spend money, invite the in-laws over, or pick a vacation spot) without considering each other’s perspective and keeping each other in mind. – pg. 26
Are you safe?
Are you listening?
Are you there for me?
Do you love and respect me?
Are you available and responsive?
Do you understand me?
- Pg. 29
Situations that sound off the alarm.
tone of voice
Expressions
Body language
- pg. 29
Marriage can either confirm you internal lens and old patterns of relating or create opportunities for new and healthier experiences and patterns. I is amazing how God uses marriage as a place where you are not only refined by also healed. When your spouse connects with you emotionally, he or she becomes part of the healing process of your old childhood wounds. –pg. 35
I miss you and, even though I am capable of doing life without you, I prefer to do life with you. – pg. 37
Personality Colors, Pg. 43
Red 7
Green 3
Blue 5
Yellow 5
Life Style Preferences
… the “normal” or “proper” way of life. When you were growing up, how things were done, organized, and celebrated became a part of you, and now you feel that these are the proper way so doing things. – pg. 44
Where do our hurts, vulnerabilities, and tender places that trigger our dragons first get formed? … Our early experiences with our parents are internalized and influence how we relation in our current marriage relationship. – pg. 47
Secure
Anxious – preoccupied
Avoidant
Fearful avoidant
Blinded by dragons: We walk together as we learn new and more Christlike ways of relating. On the journey to maturity, we become part of each other’s growth and healing, offering comfort and encouragement as we each try to understand our dragons and learn not to allow them to control our lives. – pg. 62
Spin cycle of arguments: In the heat of the moment, emotions, not logic, have more power over your mind, body, thoughts, and reactions. - pg. 67
…the “high road” … leads to our “thinking brain.” The other path is the ever quick and easy “low road,” leading to our “emotional brain.” – pg. 67
Information about the world around us comes in through our senses (sight, sound, touch, and other sensory organs). –pg. 67
Typically all information gores to your brain through the prefrontal cortex, or simply the cortex. … the CEO of the brain … the thinking brain. –pg. 68
The information is also sent across the Limbic system or the emotional brain, which finds the emotional meaning of the situation and looks for any signs of danger. – pg. 68
Your body reacts to the danger in one of three ways: FIGHT what is perceived as dangerous, FLEE from the danger, or FREEZE until the danger passes. – pg. 69
The Limbic system or emotional brain is twice as fast as the Cortex or thinking brain. – pg. 70
Are you a safe haven?
Are you there for me?
Do you understand me?
- pg. 73
More interested in the danger?
your spouse can’t fully hear you, she will not be able to understand you, she won’t be able to know what you need or want, and she definitely won’t be able to comfort or be there for you. – pg. 75
Whew! It’s not a rattlesnake, only a stick. – pg. 82
When you feel your spouse is not the enemy but someone who truly cares for you, you feel safe enough to lower your weapons (criticism, defensiveness, blame, withdrawing, etc…) and respond in a more understanding and vulnerable manner (share your hut, listen to each other’s perspective, be open to be influences by each other, and ask for or give comfort). – pg. 84
When you are hurt by your spouse, the initial emotional response that wells up inside you is called your primary emotion. These are your core emotions – the deep-down, pure emotions you feel at first.
Secondary emotions are those that help us defend or cope with our more vulnerable primary emotions. They often obscure our awareness of our primary emotions, causing us to react sometimes in a totally different manner from our primary emotions. – pg. 91
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M&M’s
Primary emotions are tender, like the soft chocolate center of coated candy. The candy coating is like our protective secondary and instrumental emotions… pg. 92
Do you have to react this way to be heard and understood?
What am I really trying to get my spouse to understand?
IF I react this way, will I get the comforting response I long for from my spouse? – pg. 98
Introduce Complain Gently
Catch yourself and stop!
Apologize and let your spouse know you don’t intend to be harsh, just understood. Say, “I am sorry. I was harsh.” – pg. 99
You are quick to try to set your spouse straight, but what is your spouse trying to get you to understand? Is there a piece of truth in what he or she is saying? – pg. 103
Acacia Tree
… in Africa, animals go to find safety and shelter from harm in the shade of the acacia trees. For the animals, the acacia tree becomes a place of safety during the day and rest during the night. The shade and shelter of the acacia tree provide protection in the midst of the battle for life in the wild. – pg. 118
I must not react out of the anger I feel in the moment. I won’t be able to take back the harsh words. I will only be creating hurts between us. I need to take a deep breath, take a time out, and slow down my angry emotions. I need to remember your strengths, why I married you, and what is there when the smoke of the argument clears: a person I love and value. – pg. 125
In South African folklore there’s a story of an old, harmless lion who would sit on his mound and roar with all his might. This would scare the other animals and cause them to run away from the roar into the bush. To their surprise, though, the lionesses would be waiting in the thick grass, ready to attack the fleeing animals. Running from the growl could get you into …well… a bigger mess. The moral? Go to the roar. – pg. 130
But like many couples in the middle of an argument, you get stuck in the tunnel of your own narrow perspective, hot emotions, and negative interpretation of the situation. Your anger gets mixed in with your hurt, dragons, and fears along with your needs and longings. –pg. 142
Finding the specific emotion you feel will help you understand what is really going on inside of you, what you need, and how to respond. It will also help others know how to respond and comfort you better. – pg. 145
Share what you are feeling. Listen to your spouse. Focus on the goal of the conversation. To share what you are feeling and listen to your spouse, keep you weapons down and stay emotionally connected. If you feel you or your spouse is attacking or shutting down, slow down. Don’t get side tracked. Don’t start talking about examples of what happened a few years ago. Save that for another conversation and stay on topic. - pg. 146
Ask questions to understand your spouse’s situation and experience – to invite your spouse to keep sharing. Question that show you care invite your spouse to keep sharing about her experience and emotions. Be sensitive, though, so that you questions don’t appear as though you are probing for your own curiosity and gain. This line of questions can feel intrusive. – pg. 152
Don’t be too picky, fussy, bossy, controlling, or easily irritated. Pick your battles. Carefully choose your complaints. If you complain about everything, you spouse will… well, what do you think it would be like to live with someone who constantly complains? But it is also not in the best interest of the marriage for you to put up with bad behavior or what you are uncomfortable with. – pg. 160
Listen
Slow down. Don’t allow your spouse’s complaint to raise your dragons. Pause. Take a breath. Let your heart rate stay normal.
Ask yourself: What is my spouse’s complaint? Before defending yourself or battling the complaint away, review the complaint. What is your spouse trying to get you to understand? Listen non-defensively;
Don’t criticize your spouse’s choice of words. If the complaint is wrapped in criticism, blame or rudeness, don’t start an argument about how rude your spouse is. Yet, don’t’ allow negativity to become the standard way of communicating with each other. Instead, listen to eh complain while letting the other know that bad manners are unnecessary. – pg. 165
I’m feeling attacked. Can you please rephrase your complaint in a kinder way?
I think you have something legitimate to say, but all I har is your angry yelling. Can you please say it another way? – pg. 166
If your spouse is trying to state a legitimate complaint, slow down. Don’t be quick to defend yourself or explain why you did what you did. Don’t be dismissive, even though you may not agree with the complaint. Try to understand his perspective. Why is he upset? What is he trying to get you to understand? Why is this important to him? If you ignore you spouse, brush him off, … you teach you spouse that the only way to get through to you is to turn the complaints up a few notches… - pg. 167
I know you are mad at me. I can understand how disappointed you were when you walked in and saw the ants still on the countertop. But I would like for you to understand that I intended to clean it up. I just think our expectations for when were different. – pg. 168
I can see why you felt left out and hurt last night. But I finally said, “I am going to the movies on my own’ because I had asked you all afternoon if you would go with me, and you said no.” - pg. 168
Ephesians 4: 31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
- pg. 171
... stay vulnerable and open with your spouse despite the potential of hurt between the two of you. ... You can't live behind a wall to ward off the hurtful arrows. The fact is, you will be hurt again. - pg. 172
... if you argue using criticism, contempt, blame, and withdrawing, you will hurt each other... - pg. 172
Life is too short. You both deserve a meaningful life filled with a bit of happiness.
- pg. 172
Ephesians 4:26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
27 Neither give place to the devil.
- pg. 173
For each of you, your reality is real. It is not of value to find the "real reality" and confirm who is right or wrong, but rather to accept each other's interpretation and go on from there. Don't try to find the reality or truth of what happened.
... Instead, work toward acknowledging each other's perspective and the emotions each of you felt. Then work towards comforting each other. - pg 174
If you saw the situation this way ______________ , then it makes sense that you feel this way ___________________ .
Even if you disagree about the legitimacy of the lens through which your spouse views the situation, it is best to come to an understanding that if your spouse saw the situation the way he did, then it makes sense that he felt the way he did. - pg. 177
I would like to finish the evening connected, but I need you to understand why I am so hurt. - pg. 180
Be gentle and use manners as you tell your spouse what hurts. If you scold, criticize, or use anger to express your hurt, remember, it will not switch your spouse's lightbulb on, causing an ah-ha moment about your hurt. Rather it will only trigger in your spouse a protective and defensive attitude against you. - pg. 181
Listen to her perspective. Try to understand why it made sense for her to do what she did. Try to understand what the situation looked like from her perspective. - pg. 182
Forgiveness... "giving up my right to hurt you back." - pg. 183
1 Peter 4: 8 And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins. 9 Use hospitality one to another without grudging. - pg. 184
What purpose would be served by being unforgiving, resentful, or pushing your spouse away with sulking and anger? Will it get your husband to understand how hurt you are and how you need to be on time? Probably not. He will more than likely walk away thinking, "Boy, she is upset. I'd better stay away form her tonight." pg. 186
Colossians 3:12 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;
13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.
14 And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness.
15 And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.
- pg. 187
Whatever is good, think of that. ... Whatever is noble and respectable about your spouse, think about that. ... find your constructive complaint and then fill in the rest with positive thoughts of your spouse's strengths. - pg. 190
You have to be intentional about nurturing and caring for your spouse. It takes thought and effort to find quality, not leftover, time to be with your spouse.
-pg. 195
...reducing the amount of outside activities you and your children are involved in. Open your schedules to allow for time to think, relax, and de-stress. pg. 195
When you hear your souse open the front door and say, "honey, I'm home," put down what you are dong and walk to the front door. Make greeting each other at the end of each day of great importance. You will need to get off the phone, put down the newspaper, click off the Internet, and walk to the front door. Take another forty-five seconds to hung each other, look into each other's eyes... - pg. 197
I need a kind and encouraging word.
Can you say what you said just said in a different way?
Your idea is one option. I was just thinking of another option. Would you be willing to consider it?
I don't know what to do or say.
I can't organize my thoughts as quickly as you can.
- pg. 203
1st John 3: 18 My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.
Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
- pg. 204
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
12 Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.
13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.
Psalm 91
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
3 Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.
4 He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
5 Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
6 Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
7 A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.
8 Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
9 Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;
10 There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
11 For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
12 They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
13 Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
14 Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
15 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.
Ephesians 3:
18 May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;
19 And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
- pg. 208
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