TOLSTOY, Count Leo Nikolayevich - War and Peace

TOLSTOY, Leo:  (Count Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy)War and Peace

Great Books Vol. 51

BOOK ONE
Each visitor performed the ceremony of greeting this old aunt whom not one of them knew, not one of them wanted to know, and not one of them cared about; Anna Pávlovna observed these greetings with mournful and solemn interest and silent approval. The aunt spoke to each of them in the same words, about their health and her own, and the health of Her Majesty, "who, thank God, was better today." And each visitor, though politeness prevented his showing impatience, left the old woman with a sense of relief at having performed a vexatious duty and did not return to her the whole evening.
Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace, , BOOK ONE, chapter 2

Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the society of clever women.
Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  BOOK ONE, chapter 4

“I hope this will prove the last drop that will make the glass run over," Anna Pávlovna continued.
Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace, BOOK ONE, chapter 5

"That's what comes of a modern education," exclaimed the visitor. "It seems that while he was abroad this young man was allowed to do as he liked,”
 Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  BOOK ONE, chapter 10

"Cousinage- dangereux voisinage;” (Cousinhood is a dangerous neighborhood.)
Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  BOOK ONE, chapter 12 

When starting on a journey, or changing their mode of life, men capable of reflection are generally in a serious frame of mind. At such moments one reviews the past and plans for the future. - Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace, Great Books Vol. 51, BOOK ONE, chapter 27

“Tout comprendre, cést tout pardoner.” (To understand all is to forgive all.)
 Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace, , BOOK ONE, chapter 28  

“If you, sir, choose to make a buffoon of yourself,” he said sharply, with a slight trembling of the lower jay, “I can’t prevent your doing so; but I warn you that if you dare to play the fool in my presence, I will teach you to behave yourself.”
 Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace, BOOK TWO, chapter 3

“Don’t you understand that either we are officers serving our Tsar and our country, rejoicing in the successes and grieving at the misfortunes of our common cause, or we are merely lackeys who care nothing for their master’s business.”
 Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  BOOK TWO, chapter 3

But a freak of fate made the impossible possible.
 Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  BOOK TWO, chapter 14

“I don’t vish [sic] to destroy my men for your pleasure!”
“You forget yourself, Colonel. I am not considering my own pleasure and I won’t allow it to be said.”
 Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace, BOOK TWO, chapter 19

He looked at the approaching Frenchmen, and though but a moment before he had been galloping to get at them and hack them to pieces, their proximity now seemed so awful that he couldn’t not believe his eyes.  “Who are they? Why are they running? Can they be coming at me? And why? To kill me? Me  whom everyone is so fond of?” He remembered his mother’s love for him, and his family’s, and his friends’, and the enemy’s intention to kill him seemed impossible. 
Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  BOOK TWO, chapter 19

The foremost Frenchman, the one with the hooked nose, was already so close that the expression of his face could be seen.
 Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  BOOK TWO, chapter 19

One single sentiment, that of fear for his young and happy life, possessed his whole being. Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  BOOK TWO, chapter 19

Something always drew him toward those richer and more powerful than himself and h he had a rare skill in seizing the most opportune moment for making use of people.
Leo Tolstoy,  BOOK THREE, chapter 1

As there is no one to fall in love with on campaign, he's fallen in love with the Tsar.  Leo Tolstoy,  Book THREE, chapter 10

And Rostóv got up and went wandering among the campfires, dreaming of what happiness it would be to die - not in saving the Emperor's life (he did not even dare to dream of that), but to simply die before his eyes. He was really in love with the Tsar and the glory of the Russian arms and the hope of future triumph. And he was not the only man to experience that feeling during those memorable days preceding the battle of Austerlitz; nine tenths of the men in the Russian army were then in love, though less ecstatically, with their Tsar and the glory of the Russian arms.  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book THREE, chapter 10

Everything seemed so futile and insignificant in comparison with the stern and solemn train of through that weakness from loss of blood suffering, and the nearness of death arouse in him. Looking into Napoleon’s eyes Prince Andrew thought of the insignificance of greatness, the unimportance of life which no one could understand and the still greater unimportance of death, the meaning of which no one alive could understand or explain. 
Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace, Book THREE, chapter 19

How good it would be to know where to seek for help in his lie and what to expect after it beyond the grave!  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book THREE, chapter 19

What was worse of all for his relations was the fact that there was still a possibility of his having been picked up on the battlefield by the people of the place and that he might be now be lying, recovering or dying, alone among strangers and unable to send news of himself.  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book FOUR, chapter 7

I have met loving, noble, high-minded men, but I have not yet met any woman – countesses or cooks – who were not venal.  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book FOUR, chapter 10

What were losses, and Dólokhov, and words of honor?... All nonsense! One might kill and rob and yet be happy…
 Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book FOUR, chapter 15

But as soon as he thought of what he should say, he felt that Prince Andrew with one word, one argument, would upset all his teaching, and he shrank from beginning, afraid of exposing to possible ridicule what to him was precious and sacred. Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book FIVE, chapter 12

I cannot do it, General. I cannot, because the law is stronger than I. . Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book FIVE, chapter 20

But we want the wolves to be fed and the sheep to be safe.
  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book SIX, chapter 6

That is why it is a sin for men like you, Prince, not to serve in these times.
  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book SIX chapter 6

…he had experienced the feeling of one who confidently steps onto the smooth surface of a bog. When he put his foot down it sank. To make quite sure of the firmness of the ground, he put his other foot down and sank deeper still, became stuck ion it and involuntarily waded knee-deep in the bog.
  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace, Book SIX chapter 7

 We often think that by removing all the difficulties of our life we shall more quickly reach our aim, but on the contrary, my dear sir, it is only in the midst of worldly cares that we can attain our three chief aims: (1) Self-knowledge- for man can only know himself by comparison, (2) self-perfecting, which can only be attained by conflict, and (3) The attainment of the chief virtue – love of death. Only the vicissitudes of life can show us its vanity and develop our innate love of death or of rebirth to a new life. 
  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book SIX chapter 8

But whether because stupidity was just what was needed to run such a salon, or because those who were deceived found pleasure in the deception, at any rate, it remained unexposed and Hélène Bezúkhova’s reputation as a lovely and clever woman became so firmly established that she could say the emptiest and stupidest thins and yet everybody would go into raptures over every word of hers and look for a profound meaning in it of which she herself had no conception. .  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book SIX, chapter 9

The tremulous expression on Natásha’s face, prepared either for despair or rapture, suddenly brightened into a happy, grateful, child-like smile.
  Leo Tolstoy,  War and Peace, Book SIX, chapter 16

Everything was just as it was everywhere else.  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book SIX, chapter 20

Fallen man has retained a love of idleness, but the curse weighs on the race not only because we have to seek our bread in the sweat of our brows, but because our moral nature is such that we cannot be both idle and at east. An inner voice tells us we are in the wrong if we are idle.  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book SEVEN, chapter 1

Reading these letters, Nicholas felt a dread of their wanting to take him away from surrounding in which, protected from all the entanglements of life, he was living so calmly and quietly.Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book SEVEN, chapter 1

Thoughts of home grew stronger the nearer he approached it – far stronger, as though this feeling of his was subject to the law by which the force of attraction is in inverse proportion to the square of the distance. 
 Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book SEVEN, chapter 1

In Moscow he felt at peace, at home, warm and dirty as in an old dressing gown. Moscow society, from the old women down to the children, received Pierre like a long-expected guest whose place was always ready awaiting him.
Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace, Book EIGHT, chapter 1

If I were not myself, but the handsomest, cleverest, and best man in the world, and were free, I would this moment ask on my knees for your hand and your love!
Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book EIGHT, chapter 22

He was fearless, not because he had grown used to being under fire (one cannot grow used to danger,) but because he had learned how to manage his thoughts when in danger. He had grown accustomed when going into action to think about anything but what would seem most likely to interest him – the impending danger.  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book NINE, chapter 14

-and that is why there are, and always will be, pseudo-healers, wise women, homeopaths, and allopaths. They satisfied that eternal human need for hope of relief, for sympathy, and that something should be done, which is felt by those who are suffering. They satisfied the need seen in its most elementary form in a child, when it wants to have a place rubbed that has been hurt. A child knocks itself and runs at one to the arms of its mother or nurse to have the aching spot rubbed or kissed, and it feels better when this is done.
  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book NINE, chapter 16

“You’ll never get well like that,” she would say, forgetting her grief in her vexation,” if you won’t obey the doctor and take your medicine at the right time!”
 Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book NINE, chapter 16

In spite of the many pills she swallowed and the drops and powders out of the little bottles and boxes… youth prevailed. Natásha’s grief began to be overlaid by the impressions of daily life, it ceased to press so painfully on her heart, it gradually faded into the past, and she began to recover physically.
 Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book NINE, chapter 16

Natásha experienced a feeling new to her, a sense of the possibility of correcting her faults, the possibility of a new, clean life, and of happiness.  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book NINE, chapter 17

It always seemed to her that everyone who looked at her was thinking only of what had happened to her. Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book NINE, chapter 18

From habit she scrutinized the ladies’ dresses, condemned the bearing of a lady standing close by who was not crossing herself property but in a cramped manner, and again she thought with vexation that she was herself begin judged and was judging others, and suddenly at the sound of the service, she felt horrified at her own vileness, horrified that the former purity of her soul was again lost to her.  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace, Book NINE, chapter 18

When they prayed for those who hate us, she tried to think of her enemies and people who hated her, in order to pray for them. She included among her enemies the creditors and all who had business dealings with her father, and always at the thought of enemies and those who hated her she remembered Anatole who had done her so much harm – and though he did not hate her she gladly prayed for him as for an enemy.  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book NINE, chapter 18

She felt in her heart a devout and tremulous awe at the thought of the punishment that overtakes men for their sins, and especially of her own sins, and she prayed to God to forgive them all, and her too, and to give them all, and her too, peace and happiness. And it seemed to her that God heard her prayer.  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book NINE, chapter 18

“Well, supposing N.N. has swindled the country and the Tsar, and the country and the Tsar confer honors upon him, what does that matter? She smiled at me yesterday and asked me to come again, and I love her, and no one will ever know it.” And his soul felt calm and peaceful. Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book NINE, chapter 19

“Providence compelled all these men, striving to attain personal aims, to further the accomplishment of a stupendous result no one of them at all expected—neither Napoleon, nor Alexander, nor still less any of those who did the actual fighting.” Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book TEN, chapter 1

“The artillery and baggage wagons moved noiselessly through the deep dust that rose to the very hubs of the wheels, and the infantry sank ankle-deep in that soft, choking, hot dust that never cooled even at night. Some of this dust was kneaded by the feet and wheels, while the rest rose and hung like a cloud over the troops, settling in eyes, ears, hair, and nostrils, and worst of all in the lungs of the men and beasts as they moved along that road.  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book TEN, chapter 5

“This is painful, but, loving my benefactor and sovereign, I submit. Only I am sorry for the Emperor that he entrusts our fine army to such as he.” Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book TEN, chapter 5

“A good chessplayer having lost a game is sincerely convinced that his loss resulted from a mistake he made and looks for that mistake in the opening, but forgets that at each stage of the game there were similar mistakes and that none of his moves were perfect. He only notices the mistake to which he pays attention, because his opponent took advantage of it. How much more complex than this is the game of war, which occurs under certain limits of time, and where it is not one will that manipulates lifeless objects, but everything results from innumerable conflicts of various wills!”  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book TEN, chapter 7

“So the histories say, and it is all quite wrong, as anyone who cares to look into the matter can easily convince himself." Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book TEN, chapter 19

“The sunshine from behind the hill did not penetrate into the cutting and there it was cold and damp, but above Pierre's head was the bright August sunshine and the bells sounded merrily.”
Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book TEN, chapter 20

“On the eve of a day when God alone knows who of us is fated to survive, I am glad of this opportunity to tell you that I regret the misunderstandings that occurred between us and should wish you not to have any ill feeling for me. I beg you to forgive me.” Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book TEN, chapter 22

Though it was not clear what the artist meant to express by depicting the so-called King of Rome spiking the earth with a stick, the allegory apparently seemed to Napoleon, as it had done to all who had seen it in Paris, quite clear and very pleasing.  Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace, Book TEN, chapter 26

Soldiers! This is the battle you have so longs for. Victory depends on you.   Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace,  Book TEN, chapter 26

VOCABULARY - War and Peace

Abash:  to destroy the self-confidence, poise, or self-possession of; disconcert; make ashamed or embarrassed: to abash someone by sneering.  

Allopath: A physician that used a system of medical practice called allopathy, which is the treatment of disease by use of remedies (drugs or surgery), having opposite effects to the symptoms, or producing effects different from or incompatible with those produced by the disease being treated

Beatific: blissfully happy.

Bluestocking: an intellectual or literary woman.

Caprice: a sudden change; especially : a sudden change in someone's mood or behavior.

Chary: suspiciously reluctant to do something.

Conscripted: enlisted (someone) compulsorily, typically into the armed services.

Deference: humble submission and respect.

Deferential: showing humble submission and respect.

Depose: remove from office suddenly and forcefully.

Depraved: morally corrupt; wicked.

Dilatory: tending to delay or procrastinate; slow; tardy. Intended to cause delay, gain time, or defer decision.

Duplicity: dishonest behavior that is meant to trick someone.

Execrable:  very bad

Expiate: to do something as a way to show that you are sorry about doing something bad.

Guerrilla warfare : irregular military actions (such as harassment and sabotage) carried out by small usually independent forces. Fighting in which small independent bands of soldiers harass an enemy through surprise raids, attacks on communications and the like. The use of hit-and-run tactics by small, mobile groups of irregular forces operating in territory controlled by a hostile, regular force.

Immutable: unable to be changed.

Insolent: showing a rude and arrogant lack of respect.

Intriguer: a. A secret or underhand scheme; a plot. b. The practice of or involvement in such schemes: 

Mirth: Gladness and merriment, especially when expressed by laughter.

Obsequious: overly obedient or attentive to an excessive or servile degree.

Pedantic: tending to be a person who annoys others by correcting small errors and giving too much attention to minor details.

Plenary: Unqualified, absolute. Meeting to be attended by all participants at a conference or assembly, who otherwise meet in smaller groups.

Plight: pledge or promise solemnly (one's faith or loyalty). be engaged to be married to.

Purloin: steal

Raconteur: skilled storyteller.

Samovar: a metal urn, used especially by Russians for heating water for making tea.

Sorrel: a light bright chestnut horse, often with white mane and tail. A brownish orange to light brown.

Taciturn: reserved or uncommunicative in speech; saying little, tending to be quiet.

Tremulous: shaking or quivering slightly, timid; nervous.

Vehemence: zealous; ardent; impassioned, expressing strong feelings, or shown by strong feelings or great energy or force.

Venal: showing or motivated by susceptibility to bribery.

Vicissitudes: a change of circumstances or fortune, typically one that is unwelcome or unpleasant.

DANFORTH, William H. - I Dare You

 “I Dare You.”   by William H. Danforth

A human being has four dimensions: physical mental, spiritual, and social-emotional. Or to put it in different terms: a body, a mind, a soul, and a heart, respectively. To neglect any of these four dimensions is like driving a car with a flat tire. And the proper way to exercise each of these dimensions is to give dares to yourself to do what you have never done before.

1. I dare you, whoever you are, to share with others the fruits of your daring. Catch a passion for helping others and a richer life will come back to you!

2. Our most valuable possessions are those which can be shared without lessening; those which when shared multiply. Our least valuable possessions are those which when divided diminish.

3. You have one life to live. What are you going to do with it?

4. Magnificent obsession

5. Physical: walk a mile a day, drink 8 glasses of water, exercise muscles, stretch

6. Mental: read interesting books, know specifics, carry a notebook

7. Social: make worthwhile contracts, emulate successful people, thoughtfulness in details, be frank,

8. Be natural and honest with everyone, regardless of status. Pay special attention to five new people this month;

9. Count your powers, not problems: share talents and skills;

10. I am one of the few. I have a leader’s opportunity. I have a shepherd’s responsibility. The rest are dependent upon me.

(Assigned to be read in 2014 while on Adam-ondi-Ahman Mission by General Authority’s wife, Barbara Christensen)

This motivational book reminded me of a goals program, many years ago, in the 80’s perpetually working on the 4 different areas of your life: Emotional, Spiritual, Physical, and Educational, the Relief Society goal program, “In Pursuit of Excellence.” I think it was based on the end of the 2nd chapter of Luke where it reads in verse 52, “And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.”

I felt encouraged to fulfill challenging goals, pushing beyond what I think are my limits, ever educating, and continually making my body strong, yet not setting aside my spiritual goals. 

I appreciated the reminder to set myself some goals, yet find I do that daily and weekly as I the reminder than go through my life journey. One of them was to have those books completed and I did.  

ALLEN, James - As a Man Thinketh

“As a Man Thinketh.” By James Allen

(Assigned to be read in 2014 while on Adam-ondi-Ahman Mission by General Authority’s wife, Barbara Christensen)

Reminding me of the peace and tranquility I can find in taking responsibility and control of my thoughts. It can make a difference to shun the negative thoughts that I plant in my mind. I’ve been taught that bringing forth a positive, or perhaps two positive thoughts for each negative can change my attitude and perspective. I am the one that chooses to save, ponder, consider, and encourage particular thoughts. I can also choose to reject or discontinue specific thoughts.

CARNEGIE, Dale - How to Win Friends and Influence People

“How to Win Friends and Influence People.” By Dale Carnegie

(Assigned to be read in 2014 while on Adam-ondi-Ahman Mission by General Authority’s wife, Barbara Christensen)

“Talk to someone about themselves and they'll listen for hours.”

It’s not about me – it’s about reaching out to others.

To listen, to understand, to care for others. Not to be so ready to share what I want to share, but what they want to share.

I notice similar methods in Preach My Gospel

– to teach people, not lessons – it does not matter what I might have prepared or learned or studied for the lesson I will teach, but where the Holy Ghost leads me as I obediently prepare, that I might teach what they need, what the Lord would have them consider

- to ask inspired questions that might help those you are teaching ponder, discover, and learn, which would lead them to act, drawing them closer to Christ

-to remember that God knows their needs, to teach according to their needs, not according to my desires.

“Any fool can criticize, complain, and condemn--and most fools do.”

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1.   Don't criticize, condemn, or complain. Human nature does not like to admit fault. When people are criticized or humiliated, they rarely respond well and will often become defensive and resent their critic. To handle people well, we must never criticize, condemn or complain because it will never result in the behavior we desire.

2.   Give honest and sincere appreciation. Appreciation is one of the most powerful tools in the world. People will rarely work at their maximum potential under criticism, but honest appreciation brings out their best. Appreciation, though, is not simple flattery, it must be sincere, meaningful and with love.

3.   Arouse in the other person an eager want. To get what we want from another person, we must forget our own perspective and begin to see things from the point of view of others. When we can combine our desires with their wants, they become eager to work with us and we can mutually achieve our objectives.

Six Ways to Make People Like You

1.   Become genuinely interested in other people. "You can make more friends in two months by being interested in them, than in two years by making them interested in you."^[4] The only way to make quality, lasting friendships is to learn to be genuinely interested in them and their interests.

2.   Smile. Happiness does not depend on outside circumstances, but rather on inward attitudes. Smiles are free to give and have an amazing ability to make others feel wonderful. Smile in everything that you do.

3.   Remember that a person's name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language. "The average person is more interested in their own name than in all the other names in the world put together."^[5] People love their names so much that they will often donate large amounts of money just to have a building named after themselves. We can make people feel extremely valued and important by remembering their name.

4.   Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. The easiest way to become a good conversationalist is to become a good listener. To be a good listener, we must actually care about what people have to say. Many times people don't want an entertaining conversation partner; they just want someone who will listen to them.

5.   Talk in terms of the other person's interest. The royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. If we talk to people about what they are interested in, they will feel valued and value us in return.

6.   Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely. The golden rule is to treat other people how we would like to be treated. We love to feel important and so does everyone else. People will talk to us for hours if we allow them to talk about themselves. If we can make people feel important in a sincere and appreciative way, then we will win all the friends we could ever dream of.

Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1.   The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Whenever we argue with someone, no matter if we win or lose the argument, we still lose. The other person will either feel humiliated or strengthened and will only seek to bolster their own position. We must try to avoid arguments whenever we can.

2.   Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say "You're wrong." We must never tell people flat out that they are wrong. It will only serve to offend them and insult their pride. No one likes to be humiliated, we must not be so blunt.

3.   If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. Whenever we are wrong we should admit it immediately. When we fight we never get enough, but by yielding we often get more than we expected. When we admit that we are wrong people trust us and begin to sympathize with our way of thinking.

4.   Begin in a friendly way. "A drop of honey can catch more flies than a gallon of gall."^[6] If we begin our interactions with others in a friendly way, people will be more receptive. Even if we are greatly upset, we must be friendly to influence people to our way of thinking.

5.   Start with questions to which the other person will answer yes. Do not begin by emphasizing the aspects in which we and the other person differ. Begin by emphasizing and continue emphasizing the things on which we agree. People must be started in the affirmative direction and they will often follow readily. Never tell someone they are wrong, but rather lead them where we would like them to go with questions that they will answer "yes" to.

6.   Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. People do not like listening to us boast, they enjoy doing the talking themselves. Let them rationalize and talk about the idea, because it will taste much sweeter to them in their own mouth.

7.   Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers. People inherently like ideas they come to on their own better than those that are handed to them on a platter. Ideas can best be carried out by allowing others to think they arrived at it themselves.

8.   Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. Other people may often be wrong, but we cannot condemn them. We must seek to understand them. Success in dealing with people requires a sympathetic grasp of the other person's viewpoint.

9.   Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires. People are hungering for sympathy. They want us to recognize all that they desire and feel. If we can sympathize with others, they will appreciate our side as well and will often come around to our way of thinking.

10. Appeal to the nobler motives. Everyone likes to be glorious in their own eyes. People believe that they do things for noble and morally upright reasons. If we can appeal to others' noble motives we can successfully convince them to follow our ideas.

11. Dramatize your ideas. In this fast paced world, simply stating a truth isn't enough. The truth must be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic. Television has been doing it for years. Sometimes ideas are not enough and we must dramatize them.

12. Throw down a challenge. The thing that most motivates people is the game. Everyone desires to excel and prove their worth. If we want someone to do something, we must give them a challenge and they will often rise to meet it.

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

1.   Begin with praise and honest appreciation. People will do things begrudgingly for criticism and an iron-fisted leader, but they will work wonders when they are praised and appreciated.

2.   Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly. No one likes to make mistakes, especially in front of others. Scolding and blaming only serves to humiliate. If we subtly and indirectly show people mistakes, they will appreciate us and be more likely to improve.

3.   Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. When something goes wrong, taking responsibility can help win others to your side. People do not like to shoulder all the blame and taking credit for mistakes helps to remove the sting from our critiques of others.

4.   Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. No one likes to take orders. If we offer suggestions, rather than orders, it will boost others confidence and allow them to learn quickly from their mistakes.

5.   Let the other person save face. Nothing diminishes the dignity of a man quite like an insult to his pride. If we don't condemn our employees in front of others and allow them to save face, they will be motivated to do better in the future and confident that they can.

6.   Praise every improvement. People love to receive praise and admiration. If we truly want someone to improve at something, we must praise their every advance. "Abilities wither under criticism, they blossom under encouragement."^[7]

7.   Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. If we give people a great reputation to live up to, they will desire to embody the characteristics with which we have described them. People will work with vigor and confidence if they believe they can be better.

8.   Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. If a desired outcome seems like a momentous task, people will give up and lose heart. But if a fault seems easy to correct, they will readily jump at the opportunity to improve. If we frame objectives as small and easy improvements, we will see dramatic increases in desire and success in our employees.

9.   Make the other person happy about doing what you suggest. People will most often respond well when they desire to do the behavior put forth. If we want to influence people and become effective leaders, we must learn to frame our desires in terms of others' desires.

Seven Rules For Making Your Home Life Happier

This section was included in the original 1936 edition but omitted from the revised 1981 edition.

1.   Don't nag.

2.   Don't try to make your partner over.

3.   Don't criticize.

4.   Give honest appreciation.

5.   Pay little attentions.

6.   Be courteous.

7.   Read a good book on the sexual side of marriage.

MAY, Sharon - How to Argue So Your Spouse Will Listen

How to Argue So Your Spouse Will Listen

by Sharon Morris May  

of Safe Haven

“… an effective way of making sense of the way you and your spouse argue.  – pg. ix

“I sit day in and day out with couples who are stuck arguing. – pg. ix

Ephesians 3: 17 That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love.  – pg xi

Too focused on our own pints of view, neither of us was able to understand the other’s perspective.  … we are not each other’s enemy. I know we don’t agree on some things, but I really do love you and care for you. – pg. 3

We were arguing in a destructive way. … each feels justified in arguing the way they do. – pg. 4

Making not arguing your goal does not work either. – pg. 7

Let’s try to understand each other instead of blaming each other and defending ourselves. – pg. 8

Old automatic reactions are stubborn and hard to change because they have become such big parts of your daily way of communicating… - pg. 11

We are at our best when we live connected to God and to those we care about and who care about us. God intended it to be that way. – pg. 16

God created within us a relationship system.  … an intricate mechanism that causes us to feel powerful emotions… - pg. 17

Our first relationship was with our parents, and it was in this first relationship that we learned about love,. Life, and the world around us. … While growing up, every interaction we had with our parents and other significant people was vitally important to us and impacted our brains and personal development. – pg. 18

Our brains are structured to be in relationship with other people in a way that shapes how the brain functions and develops. (Daniel Siegel) – pg. 19

The way your parents and loved ones interacted with you responded to you, nurtured you, and emotionally connected with you laid down the pattern for how you love and react in your marriage today. – pg. 19

Relationship System: trust, availability, love & commitment, responsiveness, repair of disconnections. – pg. 20

When we are near the person we love, we feel a sense of peace, security, and contentment. Pg. 21

But you also long to emotionally trust your spouse with eh deep places of your heart. Pg. 23

We become a safe haven for our spouse when we provide:  trust, availability, love; commitment, responsiveness, repair of disconnections. – pg. 23

… when a father is attuned to his son, he is able to understand what his son is experiencing and needing and then guide his son in making sense of and expressing his emotions and needs.  – pg. 24

In marriage, intimacy is fostered when we feel seen and understood by our spouse. –pg. 24

… a wife may need to carve out time in the evening to listen as her husband shares about his day. – pg. 25

… maintain a mutual understanding that they won’t make decisions (whether it is to spend money, invite the in-laws over, or pick a vacation sot) without considering each other’s perspective and keeping each other in mind. – pg. 26

Are you safe?

Are you listening?

Are you there for me?

Do you love and respect me?

Are you available and responsive?

Do you understand me?

-       Pg. 29

Situations that sound off the alarm.
tone of voice

Expressions

Body language

-       pg.  29

Marriage can either confirm your internal lens and old patterns of relating or create opportunities for new and healthier experiences and patterns. I is amazing how God uses marriage as a place where you are not only refined by also healed. When your spouse connects with you emotionally, he or she becomes part of the healing process of your old childhood wounds. –pg. 35

I miss you and, even though I am capable of doing life without you, I prefer to do life with you. – pg. 37

Personality Colors, Pg. 43

Red  7

Green  3

Blue  5

Yellow  5

Life Style Preferences
… the “normal” or “proper” way of life. When you were growing up, how things were done, organized, and celebrated became a part of you, and now you feel that these are the proper way so doing things. – pg. 44

Where do our hurts, vulnerabilities, and tender places that trigger our dragons first get formed?   … Our early experiences with our parents are internalized and influence how we relation in our current marriage relationship. – pg. 47

Four basic relationship styles, pg. 47

Secure

Anxious – preoccupied

Avoidant

Fearful avoidant

After years of marriage, politeness often fades.  … Review your attitudes and actions. …are they the result of plain old bad manners? – pg. 60

Blinded by dragons:  We walk together as we learn new and more Christlike ways of relating. On the journey to maturity, we become part of each other’s growth and healing, offering comfort and encouragement as we each try to understand our dragons and learn not to allow them to control our lives. – pg. 62

Spin cycle of arguments: In the heat of the moment, emotions, not logic, have more power over your mind, body, thoughts, and reactions. - pg. 67

…the “high road” … leads to our “thinking brain.” The other path is the ever quick and easy “low road,” leading to our “emotional brain.” – pg. 67

Information about the world around us comes in through our senses (sight, sound, touch, and other sensory organs). –pg. 67

Typically all information gores to your brain through the prefrontal cortex, or simply the cortex. … the CEO of the brain … the thinking brain. –pg. 68

The information is also sent across the Limbic system or the emotional brain, which finds the emotional meaning of the situation and looks for any signs of danger. – pg. 68

Your body reacts to the danger in one of three ways: FIGHT what is perceived as dangerous, FLEE from the danger, or FREEZE until the danger passes. – pg. 69

The Limbic system or emotional brain is twice as fast as the Cortex or thinking brain. – pg. 70

Are you a safe haven?
Are you there for me?
Do you understand me?
- pg. 73

More interested in the danger?
your spouse can’t fully hear you, she will not be able to understand you, she won’t be able to know what you need or want, and she definitely won’t be able to comfort or be there for you. – pg. 75

Whew! It’s not a rattlesnake, only a stick. – pg. 82

When you feel your spouse is not the enemy but someone who truly cares for you, you feel safe enough to lower your weapons (criticism, defensiveness, blame, withdrawing, etc…) and respond in a more understanding and vulnerable manner (share your hut, listen to each other’s perspective, be open to be influences by each other, and ask for or give comfort). – pg. 84

When you are hurt by your spouse, the initial emotional response that wells up inside you is called your primary emotion. These are your core emotions – the deep-down, pure emotions you feel at first.

Secondary emotions are those that help us defend or cope with our more vulnerable primary emotions. They often obscure our awareness of our primary emotions, causing us to react sometimes in a totally different manner from our primary emotions. – pg. 91

M&M’s

Primary emotions are tender, like the soft chocolate center of coated candy. The candy coating is like our protective secondary and instrumental emotions… pg. 92

Do you have to react this way to be heard and understood?
What am I really trying to get my spouse to understand?
IF I react this way, will I get the comforting response I long for from my spouse? – pg. 98

Introduce Complain Gently
Catch yourself and stop!

Apologize and let your spouse know you don’t intend to be harsh, just understood. Say, “I am sorry. I was harsh.” – pg. 99

You are quick to try to set your spouse straight, but what is your spouse trying to  get you to understand? Is there a piece of truth in what he or she is saying? – pg. 103

Acacia Tree
… in Africa, animals go to find safety and shelter from harm in the shade of the acacia trees. For the animals, the acacia tree becomes a place of safety during the day and rest during the night. The shade and shelter of the acacia tree provide protection in the midst of the battle for life in the wild.  – pg. 118

I must not react out of the anger I feel in the moment. I won’t be able to take back the harsh words. I will only be creating hurts between us. I need to take a deep breath, take a time out, and slow down my angry emotions.  I need to remember your strengths, why I married you, and what is there when the smoke of the argument clears: a person I love and value. – pg. 125

In South African folklore there’s a story of an old, harmless lion who would sit on his mound and roar with all his might. This would scare the other animals and cause them to run away from the roar into the bush. To their surprise, though, the lionesses would be waiting in the thick grass, ready to attack the fleeing animals.  Running from the growl could get you into …well… a bigger mess. The moral? Go to the roar. – pg. 130

But like many couples in the middle of an argument, you get stuck in the tunnel of your own narrow perspective, hot emotions, and negative interpretation of the situation. Your anger gets mixed in with your hurt, dragons, and fears along with your needs and longings. –pg.  142

Finding the specific emotion you feel will help you understand what is really going on inside of you, what you need, and how to respond. It will also help others know how to respond and comfort you better. – pg. 145

Share what you are feeling. Listen to your spouse. Focus on the goal of the conversation.  To share what you are feeling and listen to your spouse, keep you weapons down and stay emotionally connected.  If you feel you or your spouse is attacking or shutting down, slow down. Don’t get side tracked. Don’t start talking about examples of what happened a few years ago. Save that for another conversation and stay on topic. - pg. 146

Ask questions to understand your spouse’s situation and experience – to invite your spouse to keep sharing. Question that show you care invite your spouse to keep sharing about her experience and emotions. Be sensitive, though, so that you questions don’t appear as though you are probing for your own curiosity and gain. This line of questions can feel intrusive.  – pg. 152

Don’t be too picky, fussy, bossy, controlling, or easily irritated. Pick your battles. Carefully choose your complaints. If you complain about everything, you spouse will… well, what do you think it would be like to live with someone who constantly complains? But it is also not in the best interest of the marriage for you to put up with bad behavior or what you are uncomfortable with. – pg. 160

Listen

Slow down. Don’t allow your spouse’s complaint to raise your dragons. Pause. Take a breath. Let your heart rate stay normal.

Ask yourself: What is my spouse’s complaint? Before defending yourself or battling the complaint away, review the complaint. What is your spouse trying to get you to understand? Listen non-defensively;

Don’t criticize your spouse’s choice of words. If the complaint is wrapped in criticism, blame or rudeness, don’t  start an argument about how rude your spouse is. Yet, don’t’ allow negativity to become the standard way of communicating with each other. Instead, listen to eh complain while letting the other know that bad manners are unnecessary. – pg. 165

I’m feeling attacked. Can you please rephrase your complaint in a kinder way?

I think you have something legitimate to say, but all I har is your angry yelling. Can you please say it another way? – pg. 166

If your spouse is trying to state a legitimate complaint, slow down. Don’t be quick to defend yourself or explain why you did what you did. Don’t be dismissive, even though you may not agree with the complaint. Try to understand his perspective. Why is he upset? What is he trying to get you to understand? Why is this important to him? If you ignore you spouse, brush him off, … you teach you spouse that the only way to get through to you is to turn the complaints up a few notches…  - pg. 167

I know you are mad at me. I can understand how disappointed you were when you walked in and saw the ants still on the countertop. But I would like for you to understand that I intended to clean it up. I just think our expectations for when were different. – pg. 168

I can see why you felt left out and hurt last night. But I finally said, “I am going to the movies on my own’ because I had asked you all afternoon if you would go with me, and you said no.”