“How to Win
Friends and Influence People.” By Dale Carnegie
(Assigned to
be read in 2014 while on Adam-ondi-Ahman Mission by General Authority’s wife,
Barbara Christensen)
“Talk to
someone about themselves and they'll listen for hours.”
It’s not
about me – it’s about reaching out to others.
To listen,
to understand, to care for others. Not to be so ready to share what I want to
share, but what they want to share.
I notice
similar methods in Preach My Gospel
– to teach
people, not lessons – it does not matter what I might have prepared or learned
or studied for the lesson I will teach, but where the Holy Ghost leads me as I
obediently prepare, that I might teach what they need, what the Lord would have
them consider
- to ask
inspired questions that might help those you are teaching ponder, discover, and
learn, which would lead them to act, drawing them closer to Christ
-to remember
that God knows their needs, to teach according to their needs, not according to
my desires.
“Any fool
can criticize, complain, and condemn--and most fools do.”
Fundamental Techniques
in Handling People
1.
Don't
criticize, condemn, or complain. Human nature does not like to admit fault. When people are
criticized or humiliated, they rarely respond well and will often become
defensive and resent their critic. To handle people well, we must never
criticize, condemn or complain because it will never result in the behavior we
desire.
2.
Give
honest and sincere appreciation. Appreciation is one of the most powerful tools in the
world. People will rarely work at their maximum potential under criticism, but
honest appreciation brings out their best. Appreciation, though, is not simple
flattery, it must be sincere, meaningful and with love.
3.
Arouse
in the other person an eager want. To get what we want from another person, we must forget
our own perspective and begin to see things from the point of view of others.
When we can combine our desires with their wants, they become eager to work
with us and we can mutually achieve our objectives.
Six Ways to Make People
Like You
1.
Become
genuinely interested in other people. "You can make more friends in two months by being
interested in them, than in two years by making them interested in you."[4] The only way to make quality, lasting
friendships is to learn to be genuinely interested in them and their interests.
2.
Smile. Happiness does not depend on outside
circumstances, but rather on inward attitudes. Smiles are free to give and have
an amazing ability to make others feel wonderful. Smile in everything that you
do.
3.
Remember
that a person's name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound
in any language. "The
average person is more interested in their own name than in all the other names
in the world put together."[5] People love their names so much that
they will often donate large amounts of money just to have a building named
after themselves. We can make people feel extremely valued and important by
remembering their name.
4.
Be
a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. The easiest way to become a good
conversationalist is to become a good listener. To be a good listener, we must
actually care about what people have to say. Many times people don't want an
entertaining conversation partner; they just want someone who will listen to
them.
5.
Talk
in terms of the other person's interest. The royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the
things he or she treasures most. If we talk to people about what they are
interested in, they will feel valued and value us in return.
6.
Make
the other person feel important – and do it sincerely. The golden rule is to treat other people
how we would like to be treated. We love to feel important and so does everyone
else. People will talk to us for hours if we allow them to talk about
themselves. If we can make people feel important in a sincere and appreciative
way, then we will win all the friends we could ever dream of.
Twelve Ways to Win
People to Your Way of Thinking
1.
The
only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Whenever we argue with someone, no
matter if we win or lose the argument, we still lose. The other person will
either feel humiliated or strengthened and will only seek to bolster their own
position. We must try to avoid arguments whenever we can.
2.
Show
respect for the other person's opinions. Never say "You're wrong." We must never tell people flat out that
they are wrong. It will only serve to offend them and insult their pride. No
one likes to be humiliated, we must not be so blunt.
3.
If
you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. Whenever we are wrong we should admit it
immediately. When we fight we never get enough, but by yielding we often get
more than we expected. When we admit that we are wrong people trust us and
begin to sympathize with our way of thinking.
4.
Begin
in a friendly way. "A drop of
honey can catch more flies than a gallon of gall."[6] If we begin our interactions with others
in a friendly way, people will be more receptive. Even if we are greatly upset,
we must be friendly to influence people to our way of thinking.
5.
Start
with questions to which the other person will answer yes. Do not begin by emphasizing the aspects
in which we and the other person differ. Begin by emphasizing and continue
emphasizing the things on which we agree. People must be started in the
affirmative direction and they will often follow readily. Never tell someone
they are wrong, but rather lead them where we would like them to go with
questions that they will answer "yes" to.
6.
Let
the other person do a great deal of the talking. People do not like listening to us
boast, they enjoy doing the talking themselves. Let them rationalize and talk
about the idea, because it will taste much sweeter to them in their own mouth.
7.
Let
the other person feel the idea is his or hers. People inherently like ideas they come
to on their own better than those that are handed to them on a platter. Ideas
can best be carried out by allowing others to think they arrived at it
themselves.
8.
Try
honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. Other people may often be wrong, but we
cannot condemn them. We must seek to understand them. Success in dealing with
people requires a sympathetic grasp of the other person's viewpoint.
9.
Be
sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires. People are hungering for sympathy. They
want us to recognize all that they desire and feel. If we can sympathize with
others, they will appreciate our side as well and will often come around to our
way of thinking.
10.
Appeal
to the nobler motives. Everyone
likes to be glorious in their own eyes. People believe that they do things for
noble and morally upright reasons. If we can appeal to others' noble motives we
can successfully convince them to follow our ideas.
11.
Dramatize
your ideas. In this fast
paced world, simply stating a truth isn't enough. The truth must be made vivid,
interesting, and dramatic. Television has been doing it for years. Sometimes
ideas are not enough and we must dramatize them.
12.
Throw
down a challenge. The thing that
most motivates people is the game. Everyone desires to excel and prove their
worth. If we want someone to do something, we must give them a challenge and
they will often rise to meet it.
Be a Leader: How to
Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
1.
Begin
with praise and honest appreciation. People will do things begrudgingly for criticism and an
iron-fisted leader, but they will work wonders when they are praised and
appreciated.
2.
Call
attention to people's mistakes indirectly. No one likes to make mistakes, especially in front of
others. Scolding and blaming only serves to humiliate. If we subtly and
indirectly show people mistakes, they will appreciate us and be more likely to
improve.
3.
Talk
about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. When something goes wrong, taking
responsibility can help win others to your side. People do not like to shoulder
all the blame and taking credit for mistakes helps to remove the sting from our
critiques of others.
4.
Ask
questions instead of giving direct orders. No one likes to take orders. If we offer suggestions,
rather than orders, it will boost others confidence and allow them to learn
quickly from their mistakes.
5.
Let
the other person save face. Nothing
diminishes the dignity of a man quite like an insult to his pride. If we don't
condemn our employees in front of others and allow them to save face, they will
be motivated to do better in the future and confident that they can.
6.
Praise
every improvement. People love to
receive praise and admiration. If we truly want someone to improve at
something, we must praise their every advance. "Abilities wither under
criticism, they blossom under encouragement."[7]
7.
Give
the other person a fine reputation to live up to. If we give people a great reputation to
live up to, they will desire to embody the characteristics with which we have
described them. People will work with vigor and confidence if they believe they
can be better.
8.
Use
encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. If a desired outcome seems like a
momentous task, people will give up and lose heart. But if a fault seems easy
to correct, they will readily jump at the opportunity to improve. If we frame
objectives as small and easy improvements, we will see dramatic increases in
desire and success in our employees.
9.
Make
the other person happy about doing what you suggest. People will most often respond well when
they desire to do the behavior put forth. If we want to influence people and
become effective leaders, we must learn to frame our desires in terms of
others' desires.
Seven Rules For Making
Your Home Life Happier
This section was
included in the original 1936 edition but omitted from the revised 1981 edition.
1.
Don't nag.
2.
Don't try to make your
partner over.
3.
Don't criticize.
4.
Give honest
appreciation.
5.
Pay little attentions.
6.
Be courteous.
7.
Read a good book on
the sexual side of marriage.
